Inflamed and Untamed

You guys, I’m angry.

If you know me, really know me, then you know that I hardly ever get angry. In fact, most of my friends are always hounding me about how I need to be meaner, stand up for myself, pretty much grow some balls. I may not be good at standing up for myself most times but when it comes down to the people I love, I have no problem standing up for them. 

The reason I am angry has to do with my friend Amanda. This girl is incredibly intelligent, a brilliant writer, she’s beautiful on the inside and outside, and she is so giving of herself even when she needs so much. I can tell just from talking to her that she has so much passion and drive and that if she could, she would be out there showing the world what’s up.

But right now she can’t,

she’s sick. 

The frustrating part, and the reason I get so angry and personally involved/connected with what she is going through is that my health journey has a lot of similarities.  You guys, people are telling her that it’s all in her head. They are telling her to just stop acting this way and go back to living her life. 

Really? 

REALLY?! 

Do you know how messed up it is to suffer and then have people tell you that you’re making it up? That screws a person up! I know from personal experience. Amanda, well, she reminds me a lot of myself. I’m a very driven, passionate, smart person too. And there was a time when my doctors were telling me it was all in my head, or suggesting I “talk to someone”, and then that I was drug seeking. My pain and suffering was terrible and when no one believed me…I don’t even know how to find the words to even begin to tell you how hard that was.  What was worse was after hearing it for so long I would sit there and think to myself things like “maybe I am making it up?”. 

I was there, laying in a hospital bed for months experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life every second of every hour. I yearned for sleep just to escape the pain but sleep barely came because I was in so much pain that my body hardly allowed me to sleep. It got so bad that I just wanted to die just to end the pain. It’s a horrible thing to admit and I even get a little nervous writing those words out here on this blog for the world to see. I talked about it once on a video I did, but still, it’s a touchy topic for me. But truth is, I wanted out. People were telling me I was making it up and they were no longer taking me seriously and therefore stopped looking for answers. The worst part of all was not being taken seriously. Did they think I LIKED this? Do they think Amanda LIKES this? NO. I just wanted answers. I wanted a solution, a fix, ANYTHING, so that I could go back to living my life. I wanted to be out there being the driven girl that I used to be but I couldn’t do that until they fixed my pain.  

It turned out that I just needed a new set of doctors. I was told “it was all in my head” for three years. My doctors (because they stopped taking me seriously) stopped looking hard for the answers. They got lazy. Until one day I had had enough and I went to a new hospital with new doctors and that is when I finally got my answers. But the damage done in those three years I am learning is permanent. I still have a hard time telling my new doctors what is going on with my health because I secretly wonder if they think I am a liar. I still have a hard time trusting them, and I have a hard time talking about my pain because I think they will think I am drug seeking when that is clearly not what I am doing. 

I don’t even know how to describe how much it messes a person up to be told “it’s all in your head” when they are actually suffering. Like me, Amanda just wants answers. She wants to stop suffering and she wants to go back to living her life. Amanda (like my friend Marissa) has become a very good friend of mine. It’s so nice to have people to talk to who know exactly what a certain situation feels like. I just want to scream a big YES every time I talk to her because she gets it. I know that her and Marissa tell me that they are thankful for me because I have helped them, but truth is that the two of them also help me in huge ways too. 

So today I am angry for my friend because what she is going through takes me back to my own struggles. I so badly want to fix this for her but I know that I can’t. Hopefully I do a good job at being an understanding friend and a listening ear. Girlfriend, don’t give up! You will find your answers, you know who you are, and you will get to the bottom of this. 

(You can visit my friend Amanda’s blog at http://stopthinkingstartwriting.blogspot.com/ she’s pretty amazing!)