I found this quote a few weeks ago while scrolling my dashboard on tumblr and it caught my eye. We all know I’m not a quote person, I explained that here. But this one stopped me because it fits along with a blog I planned on writing anyway - so here we go!
Interestingly enough the “ugliest” disease possible has made me feel the most beautiful. Funny how life works out that way. Of course, I have not always felt this way. There were years and years where I was too embarrassed to talk about my disease and the symptoms I experienced. There was the week before surgery where I was SURE that life with a scar on my stomach was the worst.thing.evarrr. Then there was the day after my first surgery where I couldn’t even bring myself to look at my ostomy bag. My point is, I didn’t just wake up loving my disease and all that comes with it. It’s a roller coaster ride and there will be up’s and down’s along the way but when it’s all over you either want to ride again or throw up. I would choose to ride again. You get what I’m saying here?
Crohn’s disease gave me my confidence. It is things like my surgery scar that make me feel beautiful because I know without a doubt that it takes a strong person to go through all that I have gone through, and will go through in the future. It’s a true reminder that I am awesome because I go through what I go through and have still come out on top. I’m no stranger to showing off more of my body than I’d like to (it sounds worse than it is). Growing up my days were spent in leotards and tights and then on the weekends at dance competitions wearing revealing dance costumes. The thing is, back then I hated it. I had no self-confidence what-so-ever and thought that I was completely awkward as a skinny teenager whose legs were too long and freckles showed too much. My skin crawled with the thought of anyone judging me but now I welcome it. Go ahead, judge me! I’m amazing. ;)
So, with that said the quote “people will stare, make it worth their while” fits in nicely because I always want people to ask me about my scar. I catch people staring at it all the time when I am wearing a bikini at the pool or the beach, or when I wear a shirt that slightly shows a little midriff. I want them to ask me when I wear my ask me about my j-pouch shirt or my ask me about my Crohn’s disease shirt. A few weeks ago I went to the Ann Arbor art fair and took the shuttle bus to get there. The bus was crowded so I ended up standing in the center isle and having to hold onto the bar above my head to keep myself from falling over. Having to hold onto that bar above my head caused my shirt to lift enough to make my scar visible and it was obvious that this mom and her daughter were staring at it the whole ride there. I just wanted them to ask me about it! I have no idea why but I LOVE telling people all about my disease. In a way…i’m proud. Not of my scar, but i’m proud of me. “Why yes, that surgery scar is because I have Crohn’s disease and I had my entire large intestine and rectum removed and now I have a j-pouch. Wanna know what that is?…”
“People will stare. Make it worth their while.” My disease makes me feel strong which therefore makes me feel beautiful. So you can stare, i’ll make it worth your while. haha