Inflamed and Untamed

That was the question I asked you today on the facebook page. This is something I’ve been sitting on, debating about writing about. See, whether you like it or not, I am not one of those bloggers or health activists who only shares the positive side of things. I can’t tell you that I’ve gone through X amount of surgeries but now my life is awesome and I am out there kicking butt and taking names and feeling super stupendous. I can’t yet say that I’ve found the right medication that makes life feel like it did before I got sick. Don’t get me wrong, I am kicking butt, just in a different way.  I don’t say things like “anything is possible if you put your mind to it”, because one of you out there is going to be reading that from the hospital sitting there with short gut syndrome and lifetime IV nutrition, underweight and weak, and though things can get better (I truly believe that) I don’t think you can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it. Disease doesn’t let all of us do that. It’s unpredictable and arrives unannounced and sticks around for however long it decides to.  Some people get lucky.  The “lucky ones” who suffer for however long they suffer but then they have a successful surgery or find a successful medication and they take off! Those people are inspiring, and we need them to show us that things can get better. But some people don’t have that opportunity.  

I totally promise this is a positive post. Promise. It just sounds negative right now. I’m getting there…

Sometimes I still think “what’s wrong with me?” because I can’t do “those things”.  To be honest, I sometimes laugh out loud at the “anything is possible with IBD” statements out there.  And I’m seriously not trying to be negative or sound negative.  But to tell an entire sick community that they can do anything they want if the just “prepare” for it… it’s crazy to me.  It’s crazy because I feel bad for the unfortunate ones (much less fortunate than I am) who are so awfully sick that a lot of those “you can do anythings” fall short for. That is the last thing I want for you guys to feel and so I try to keep my blog realistic and show both sides.  I AM a butt kicker because I get up every time this knocks me down.  Because through the majority of it all I’ve managed to keep a mostly positive attitude. I keep trying, I keep going, and that’s all I can ask of myself. I don’t think anything is possible because that’s honestly nuts to me.  But I do not believe in giving up.  I don’t believe in letting this consume you and I strongly encourage resilience.  I think we should all try our best and still try and reach for our goals, but I also know that things will get in the way of that at times and we have to rearrange what our goals are. 

Anyway, I just went off in a completely different direction than I was planning on going.  What I wanted this blog to be about are my current thoughts on starting over.  I feel like I am starting over again right now and now that I’ve done it so many times I have this cloud of doubt that sometimes rains down over my head. I keep waiting, waiting for something to go wrong. The “if’s” have becomes “when’s”.  It’s not IF something goes wrong, but WHEN. And that’s not a fun thought to have in the back of your head dictating your life decisions.  The good news is I recognize these things and I am able to push through them and climb my metaphorical mountain, but I figured I couldn’t be alone in these thoughts. And of course you answered my facebook question and I realized how many of you feel these things too.  

I started over after I realized teaching wasn’t the career for me. Then BAM! Hospital and surgeries and horribleness for almost a year.  I get a new job and then BAM! More hospital, financial strife, starting over again.  I decide to go back to school for something else and wind up missing too many days because of more hospital stays and so I get more behind.  This cycle repeats over and over. Everytime I get on my feet I am knocked back down and I stand up again with more debt, more strife, and less people standing by me.  Whew! That sounded like a bunch of negativity didn’t it!? But the thing is…it’s not coming from a negative place inside of me. I don’t feel negative internally, but rather scared.  It causes anxiety.  I recently picked up a few shifts at work and let me tell you, it felt so so SO good.  Good to be useful, good to get out of the house and have a reason to dress up, and good that I had money in my purse again that I earned.  It made me think about the possibility of coming back to work full time or even part time and how scary that would be because I’m just waiting to get sick again. Will I? It’s always a looming question that scares me.  But I don’t just wanna give up and lay down and quit life.  I want so badly to be out there doing things. I just don’t want to get knocked on my feet again once things are moving forward. Seems every time I start working my body can’t handle it and I wind up back in the hospital. It’s frustrating is all. 

With that said I don’t want to just give up on life and quit.  I want to keep trying and trying. The moral of the story is, I’m not going to tell you that everything will be okay.  How can I promise you that? I’m not going to tell you that your story will be like mine or my story will be like yours. I’m not going to say everything is possible or look what I can do.  I will try and encourage you though.  I will try to empower you and inspire you.  What I will tell you is that it’s all about where you are mentally.  Physically you may be weak but mentally you can be strong. I have no freaking control over what Crohn’s disease will do to my body and it’s physical capabilities, but you better believe I am fighting over my brain. I won’t let this consume who I am to the point where I give up or I don’t try or I can’t see the positives in life.  That’s all I can say.