Two of my friends are in the sky today. On airplanes. One is flying west and one is flying east. The one flying west is on an airplane for the first time since her plane fell out of the sky. I’m serious. Like something you’d see in a movie, the last airplane she was on was shaken in the sky and then dropped. People were screaming and crying and uttering prayers. You can imagine how scary that would be. Needless to say she has been left terrified of getting on a plane again. My friend flying east got word that her father was in a terrible car accident last night and he passed away only a little while afterward. I can’t imagine the grief her and her family are feeling and will be feeling for so long to come. I wish I could take it away because she has been going through so much for so long with her health and she deserves happiness and goodness. I then immediately thought of one of my best friends who is also a part of this circle of friends…I knew she wasn’t okay. I feel for her and the things she has been going through that will not be spilled out onto this blog because of the trust we have between us when we share our darkest secrets. Then I opened a bill from the hospital today for $5000 from my last remicade infusion and after that I opened my 2nd paycheck since going back to work after a long hiatus. It was just under 300 dollars for two weeks. Divide that into a $5000 bill and I should be able to pay that off in around half a year if I didn’t spend a penny on anything else. Cooooool. This of course sent my anxiety spinning out of control and honestly since I lost my health insurance I have been avoiding my “life stresses” and focusing on work because when I think about it all it overwhelms me. I am due for another remicade infusion in 4 days but of course I am not going to get it then. My arthritis is flaring up like crazy and my Crohn’s disease is causing pain any time something passes through me now. I’ve left early from work, gone to bed early in pain, and skipped meals in the past week due to pain. My energy is slowly decreasing and my pain is increasing and I just feel like I can’t win. Of course people would try to protect me and say things like “Don’t work as much.” Or “take it easy” but they don’t understand that getting out of the house, being around others, and just getting my mind off of bad things is what fuels me and keeps me going. Any sense of normalcy is an important thing and I deserve it. We all deserve to do the things we want to do and not be punished because of being sick. And let’s be honest…I made 300 dollars in 2 weeks. It’s not like I am working loads anyway and what can I really do with that money? Not much. Which is why I remain fully dependant on others to take care of me except for now that I work again I can handle my phone bill and putting gas in my car. And yes, I have spent a little on having fun too. I’ve justified deserving that because of all the fun I have had to miss out on.
So here we go. I need to apply for assistance to get my remicade infusions. And I need to apply again for medicaid. And all of that takes phone calls and visits and things that seem suuuuper easy for almost everyone I know except myself. My dumb anxiety keeps me sitting here avoiding everything. And here is the fun part! I can’t treat my anxiety because I have no health insurance to get any sort of anxiety medication. I have recently tried to put my life together again and here I am trapped. Not being able to get my medication, getting sick, and what if it gets me so sick that I can’t work again? Do you know how frustrating that is? You probably do. The good news is that not every day is a bad one. I feel good in the mornings when I wake up and up until I start eating. But my energy is low and all my joints hurt. And some other symptoms are happening that I am not yet ready to talk about on this blog (yes, I get embarrassed too). I NEED to be out of the house, I NEED to be working, and I NEED my loved ones support right now.
Baby steps. My goal is to call the woman at the hospital on Monday who is helping me out and make sure to set up a time to come in and sit down with her and see what we can do. In the meantime I apologize for my lack of blogs and videos and responses this year. It will all get worked out in the end and I will be back in full swing again. Just asking you be patient.
Today in my tiny close circle of IBD friends I am reminded that we all face our own struggles and some of those struggles seem impossible to overcome. But most of all these girls remind me of the importance of friendship. They hardly complain even though they have been through so much themselves. Instead we chat back and forth day after day making each other laugh and still appreciating life. I appreciate life and all the little things even in the midst of all this. And I hope you can too!